I’ve debated whether I have anything worth posting. But how often can one really justify everything they say as being truly necessary and super amazing? So I might as well be real.
I did want to let you know I’m still here. I’m doing alright. I have happy moments pretty often. For a while there I was busting out with long walks, and jogging even! Plus healthy eating, home organization, spending time with friends, etc. AND SWIM LESSONS! WOO!
But I’ve been kind of not okay, too. I’m coming to grips with the fact that I was seriously betrayed, and that hurts. I keep trying to forget about it, distract myself, whatever, but that isn’t making it better. “Feel what you feel; decide what you’ll do” was my mantra for so long. I need to remember to keep up that practice, even when it’s hard.
I think I’ll add to that, though, that healing also requires taking good care of myself, not just staying busy. So I’ll be more consistent with appropriate exercise. I’ll rest more, try to tame my to-do list, drink lots of water. Eat my veggies. All the good things. Plus scriptures & a whole lot of prayer too. I’ll also try to remember that my friends love me even when I am a bit of a sad sack, so to get out and spend time with them, and just try not to overwhelm any one person.
I’m also going to give affirmations a try.
Frankly I’ve always thought affirmations are pretty cheesy … “ask the universe” kind of stuff. But then I read somewhere that the trick is to say that cheesy affirmation, and then listen up for the nasty little thoughts that try to prove that affirmation wrong. Because they’re always there in the background, and saying that affirmation just gives them a chance to show themselves. And when they do? You listen. You recognize their fallacies, and then you fight right back.
At risk of sounding like I’ve got multiple personalities or something, I’ll give you an example.
“I am loveable.”
Before I can even say it out loud, here comes that nasty little thought: “Yeah right. Not loveable enough for him.”
Zing! Oh, that thought has been lurking in the shadows all along, but now I’ve provoked it. And yeah, it hurts worse than when I’m just ignoring it. But while that feeling is front and center, I respond!
“Actually, I am lovable. My friends, my neighbors, my kids … they love me. A lot. God loves me a lot. And I know it. I’m a loveable person. Some dude’s problems don’t change who I am. I have lots of long-standing, strong, healthy relationships. I AM loveable.”
So that nasty little thought adds “… well… It’s not like you’re perfect.”
Response: “So what? I don’t have to be perfect — no one else does. I just have to keep doing my best, making corrections when I’m wrong, and keep being the real me, because guess what?? I am LOVEABLE!”
See what I did there? It’s kind of like, oh… I don’t know… scaring that fly out of the kitchen and out the door. Or hollering at that lying, nasty Cardassian who’s been trying to slowly drive you mad: “THERE ARE … FOUR LIGHTS!” You know? Well, if you don’t know, watch this. (Best. TNG. Ever.)
Anyway. On top of the affirmations thing, another friend reminded me of the concept of power posing. Standing like I think I’m Wonder Woman herself, and who am I not to be? “I … AM … LOVEABLE!” And then I leap to the top of a tall emotional building in a single bound.
Well. Not quite. But I do take the stairs, at least. And I am going up.